Distortion

I can hardly believe that I am finally on my journey. If you don't know me well, I am an absolute bookworm. Anytime I have a free moment to look around in a Barnes and Noble, it becomes an all day event. After completing my first rough draft of my introduction to "Raw", I decided the best way to begin was to grab as much information as possible dealing with the topics I have struggled with. Yesterday, I left Starbucks and walked over to a Half Price bookstore where I began to wander around. Finally, after walking around for a few moments, I stumbled into a room separate from all the other books. As my eyes began to jump from title to title along each shelf, I found myself staring at one particular section, eating disorders. I instantly grabbed a book, laid my NorthFace backpack on the ground, and became engulfed in the book. After only a few moments of contemplating, I got up, paid for the book, and read it from the point I left the building, walked across the street, and into my car.

For the last 24 hours, my mind and time has been consumed in Anatomy of Anorexia by Steven Levenkron, a very intelligent counselor that works one-on-one with women struggling with eating disorders. It began to shock me as I read the descriptions, the stories, and the experiences he has had walking with hundreds of woman through a condition of absolute "distortion". It talked about women who look in the mirror, barely 95 pounds, saying with confidence that they are "fat" and "overweight". My heart began to break, but my mind began to remember.

For me, I was in junior high when my battle with a borderline eating disorder occurred. It was right after my Father's death, entering school with little confidence or sense of security. "Control" was something I craved,  and consistency. So I ran to food. I knew that no matter what, what entered my mouth was something I could control. For 2 years, I entered a slippery slope of an absolute obsession with being thin. In reading, it began to shock me how my thoughts were so parallel with the women. I was one of them. Thoughts of control, lies, distortion, and an all encompassing desire to obtain more weight loss fit every description of the author's various patients. 

Looking back, my eating disorder was my "god", my safe haven, my consistency, my truth. In a period of time where the Father was reaching out his hands asking me to rest only in Him, I turned around and said "no, Lord". I think in life, no matter what it is, we all have our remedy of how we deal with hard times. We all have that "idol". Whether it be over eating, under eating, alcohol, sex, you name it. Yet, through my choice of choosing the path of an eating disorder, my "god" left me only disappointed, never obtaining the weight or the figure that I exactly desired or wanted. It always left me empty handed, always wanting more. 

By the grace of God, we have a Father that reaches out and says, "take my hand". "Let me be your remedy, your truth, your consistency, and your life." Wow, if that doesn't place certainty and security in us, we have truly missed it all. I encourage you, as I am also challenging myself, to think about your one idol in your life that you look to for consistency. Is it extra savings in the bank? Alcohol in your pantry? Or possibly an eating disorder? 

The essence of it all is that everything in this world will one day crumble and fade, and one thing will remain, Him. Pray that God would dethrone your idols, and would place himself as the corner stone. Thankfully, he dethroned an eating disorder before it was too late. Praise the Lord.