Captivated

As a girl who lost her father, I learned at a young age what it meant to take responsibility. I can distinctly remember sitting down as a family, after my Father passed away, and began to have a conversation of how this truly changed everything. Being only 12, I began to exercise aspects of growing up that usually aren't practiced until later in life. Now don't get me wrong, my mom freely granted me the gift of being a young girl, but naturally our family was disproportional without a key player, my Dad.

Looking back on the road filled with  various life experiences, trials, and unfortunate circumstances, I can truly begin to identify why I am the way I am. This year, I began to deeply question who I was. Did I want to get married? Could I trust someone with my heart for my entire life? Was I a woman who could actually raise children? Was I beautiful? What did I want to do with my life? Did I want to chase a career or  become a wife? Fear and feelings of being out of control began to flood my mind, my heart, and my life. I began to feel disillusioned, confused... who actually was I? 

Through a year of frustration, fear, wondering, and inconsistency I entered the summer heavy laden; trying to figure out someway and somehow I could make myself better. I tried calming my own nerves; fears of commitment, fears of the future, unconsciously aware that my Father was eagerly waiting at the door of my heart patiently knocking. You see, because of the death of my Father, control was my greatest sense of peace. If I could just make myself a better woman, then I could change my circumstances. I could feel better about the current state of my life. 

Well, the perfect summer of living downtown Houston, working at two prestigious hospitals, and having a highly successful job didn't quite happen. Filled with loneliness, I decided to move back to Tomball. Control instantly went out the window. "Why?" I thought. This was supposed to be the perfect summer, granting myself all of MY greatest desires by creating a story of success. Obtaining experience at a hospital so I COULD BE accepted to a great PA school, and working so I COULD have enough money. My Father gently said, "no, my daughter". 

Looking back on the hard decision to completely surrender all of my plans, God clearly called me back to Tomball. God has blessed me with amazing community, joy, laughter, and peace that has been freely lavished upon me by the Holy Spirit. My Father has beckoned me to call upon His name instead of running to my own security of being a controlling, superior, and sustained woman. For hours every morning, God has captivated my heart through worship, prayer, reading, and His Word. Doubt has begun to drip away from every crevice of my heart as I have wrestled with my Father, asking Him to help me trust Him fully. For only in Him am I truly who I am. 

So who are we? As women who are we? We are daughters of God. Created to be sustained, confident, encouraging, tender, images of Him. As women, we carry the side of God's heart that loves beauty. We carry a special whisper of God's promise of faithfulness and goodness to his children. Captivated  by Stasi and John Elderedge has been an amazing resource and a perfect avenue for God to speak truth into my life. 

At the end of the day, nothing that has happened to us, wounds that have crippled us, or circumstances that have entangled us define who we are. Who we are doesn't rest on anything in this world, but the truth of Christ. As women, we were made to have intimacy with our Creator, and to ultimately trust him with every penny in our bank account, every relationship that begins to fall apart, and every unanswered question. God has whispered,"Lacey, trust me." 

I truly believe, my Father is breaking me of a 7 year idol of "control". He has asked me with tears in my eyes,on my knees, in my closet for my entire heart. Single or in a relationship, poor or rich, having a father or fatherless, to trust Him with every ounce of my being. I would love to tell you through my own power, I can do this... but, that's the beauty of it. I can't. We can't save ourselves from anything. We can't grant ourselves security in a relationship, money, or a concrete future. That control is reserved for the sovereign, loving Creator that desires the best for His children. He who tells us who we are. He who freely grants us our beautiful identity in Him. Will you trust Him?

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10