The Great Victory

With my plans in Houston completely coming to a close, I returned to Tomball with very little planned for the rest of the summer. Immediately when I returned, I began to spend a large amount of time with two very encouraging, uplifting, and godly friends of mine. A few days after I returned, we decided to take a week camping trip to Colorado to have some fun!

We cruised for 17 hours with worship music as the terrain changed from farmland to a jaw-dropping scene of mountains. Driving with my friends, I began to take a step back and think about the moment I was caught in. Here I was, spending time with friends, on my way to Colorado, something two months ago I would not have envisioned happening. Joy overflowed from my heart. We finally arrived and decided to camp about 45 minutes outside of Denver. After having a fun night of burgers, music, and "adventures" we decided to hit the sack.

The next morning, I woke up at 5 am, to find my heart and mind flooded with anxiety over a bad dream. As I laid there, beginning to hear the bird's chirp, God beckoned me to spend some time with Him. I grabbed my backpack, strapped on my Chaco's, and headed for a ledge that overlooked the mountains and a lake. As I walked up, completely in silence, I sat down to find myself literally in the presence of the Lord. As I grabbed my bible, and began to read a chapter that laid heavy on my heart... Pslam 139. .

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts."

After reading the chapter out loud, I sat there in silence and began to reflect upon the words.

There is something magnificently beautiful about surrender. So many times, I enter God's presence with the idea of proving to my Father that I am worthy of His affections and love. As women, we are eager to gain approval. From men, friends, society... Am I skinny enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Strong enough? Sometimes I find myself slow to accept love from other's yet quick to prove my independence. It's great to be strong, but this summer it truly struck me at my core. Being honest, I could never accept the common term people use of being "romanced by God". For a girl that guarded her heart with all of her strength, and tried to act like I had it all together, I never knew what it was like to truly understand the joy of sitting in the mercy of God. 

That morning, sitting on the grassy hill in the mountains of Colorado, God softened my heart. I felt what it was like to be romanced by my Father. To open the areas of my heart that were locked flew open. I had nothing to prove to God, for he knew my anxious thoughts. He had knit me in my mother's womb.  He had thoroughly examined my heart. God was eager to make known to me exactly who He is: merciful, redemptive and patient.

Everyday I battle with giving up to the Lord all of my "strength" and constant need to prove myself, to Him or others. What do we have to prove anyway? God knows us at our core. He knows everything. What joy that should bring us!

The real victory in life has nothing to do with what we can do or prove. If we can boast in one thing, it's the gospel. A story of a man who walked the Earth, fully God, and saved humanity from the burden of sin.

As sons and daughters of God, I feel as if we very quickly forget the essence of the gospel. The story of God's Son that suffered, ached, and carried the cross to Calvary for every sin we would ever commit. We so easily forget that we can’t, earn, gain, or prove to God our worthiness for Him. As His daughter I still come timid to the throne, feeling if I was just a "strong" woman, I would be worthy. How freeing it is to feel, know and dance in the love and freedom of our Father. Let us live in that victory.

Captivated

As a girl who lost her father, I learned at a young age what it meant to take responsibility. I can distinctly remember sitting down as a family, after my Father passed away, and began to have a conversation of how this truly changed everything. Being only 12, I began to exercise aspects of growing up that usually aren't practiced until later in life. Now don't get me wrong, my mom freely granted me the gift of being a young girl, but naturally our family was disproportional without a key player, my Dad.

Looking back on the road filled with  various life experiences, trials, and unfortunate circumstances, I can truly begin to identify why I am the way I am. This year, I began to deeply question who I was. Did I want to get married? Could I trust someone with my heart for my entire life? Was I a woman who could actually raise children? Was I beautiful? What did I want to do with my life? Did I want to chase a career or  become a wife? Fear and feelings of being out of control began to flood my mind, my heart, and my life. I began to feel disillusioned, confused... who actually was I? 

Through a year of frustration, fear, wondering, and inconsistency I entered the summer heavy laden; trying to figure out someway and somehow I could make myself better. I tried calming my own nerves; fears of commitment, fears of the future, unconsciously aware that my Father was eagerly waiting at the door of my heart patiently knocking. You see, because of the death of my Father, control was my greatest sense of peace. If I could just make myself a better woman, then I could change my circumstances. I could feel better about the current state of my life. 

Well, the perfect summer of living downtown Houston, working at two prestigious hospitals, and having a highly successful job didn't quite happen. Filled with loneliness, I decided to move back to Tomball. Control instantly went out the window. "Why?" I thought. This was supposed to be the perfect summer, granting myself all of MY greatest desires by creating a story of success. Obtaining experience at a hospital so I COULD BE accepted to a great PA school, and working so I COULD have enough money. My Father gently said, "no, my daughter". 

Looking back on the hard decision to completely surrender all of my plans, God clearly called me back to Tomball. God has blessed me with amazing community, joy, laughter, and peace that has been freely lavished upon me by the Holy Spirit. My Father has beckoned me to call upon His name instead of running to my own security of being a controlling, superior, and sustained woman. For hours every morning, God has captivated my heart through worship, prayer, reading, and His Word. Doubt has begun to drip away from every crevice of my heart as I have wrestled with my Father, asking Him to help me trust Him fully. For only in Him am I truly who I am. 

So who are we? As women who are we? We are daughters of God. Created to be sustained, confident, encouraging, tender, images of Him. As women, we carry the side of God's heart that loves beauty. We carry a special whisper of God's promise of faithfulness and goodness to his children. Captivated  by Stasi and John Elderedge has been an amazing resource and a perfect avenue for God to speak truth into my life. 

At the end of the day, nothing that has happened to us, wounds that have crippled us, or circumstances that have entangled us define who we are. Who we are doesn't rest on anything in this world, but the truth of Christ. As women, we were made to have intimacy with our Creator, and to ultimately trust him with every penny in our bank account, every relationship that begins to fall apart, and every unanswered question. God has whispered,"Lacey, trust me." 

I truly believe, my Father is breaking me of a 7 year idol of "control". He has asked me with tears in my eyes,on my knees, in my closet for my entire heart. Single or in a relationship, poor or rich, having a father or fatherless, to trust Him with every ounce of my being. I would love to tell you through my own power, I can do this... but, that's the beauty of it. I can't. We can't save ourselves from anything. We can't grant ourselves security in a relationship, money, or a concrete future. That control is reserved for the sovereign, loving Creator that desires the best for His children. He who tells us who we are. He who freely grants us our beautiful identity in Him. Will you trust Him?

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

Distortion

I can hardly believe that I am finally on my journey. If you don't know me well, I am an absolute bookworm. Anytime I have a free moment to look around in a Barnes and Noble, it becomes an all day event. After completing my first rough draft of my introduction to "Raw", I decided the best way to begin was to grab as much information as possible dealing with the topics I have struggled with. Yesterday, I left Starbucks and walked over to a Half Price bookstore where I began to wander around. Finally, after walking around for a few moments, I stumbled into a room separate from all the other books. As my eyes began to jump from title to title along each shelf, I found myself staring at one particular section, eating disorders. I instantly grabbed a book, laid my NorthFace backpack on the ground, and became engulfed in the book. After only a few moments of contemplating, I got up, paid for the book, and read it from the point I left the building, walked across the street, and into my car.

For the last 24 hours, my mind and time has been consumed in Anatomy of Anorexia by Steven Levenkron, a very intelligent counselor that works one-on-one with women struggling with eating disorders. It began to shock me as I read the descriptions, the stories, and the experiences he has had walking with hundreds of woman through a condition of absolute "distortion". It talked about women who look in the mirror, barely 95 pounds, saying with confidence that they are "fat" and "overweight". My heart began to break, but my mind began to remember.

For me, I was in junior high when my battle with a borderline eating disorder occurred. It was right after my Father's death, entering school with little confidence or sense of security. "Control" was something I craved,  and consistency. So I ran to food. I knew that no matter what, what entered my mouth was something I could control. For 2 years, I entered a slippery slope of an absolute obsession with being thin. In reading, it began to shock me how my thoughts were so parallel with the women. I was one of them. Thoughts of control, lies, distortion, and an all encompassing desire to obtain more weight loss fit every description of the author's various patients. 

Looking back, my eating disorder was my "god", my safe haven, my consistency, my truth. In a period of time where the Father was reaching out his hands asking me to rest only in Him, I turned around and said "no, Lord". I think in life, no matter what it is, we all have our remedy of how we deal with hard times. We all have that "idol". Whether it be over eating, under eating, alcohol, sex, you name it. Yet, through my choice of choosing the path of an eating disorder, my "god" left me only disappointed, never obtaining the weight or the figure that I exactly desired or wanted. It always left me empty handed, always wanting more. 

By the grace of God, we have a Father that reaches out and says, "take my hand". "Let me be your remedy, your truth, your consistency, and your life." Wow, if that doesn't place certainty and security in us, we have truly missed it all. I encourage you, as I am also challenging myself, to think about your one idol in your life that you look to for consistency. Is it extra savings in the bank? Alcohol in your pantry? Or possibly an eating disorder? 

The essence of it all is that everything in this world will one day crumble and fade, and one thing will remain, Him. Pray that God would dethrone your idols, and would place himself as the corner stone. Thankfully, he dethroned an eating disorder before it was too late. Praise the Lord.

Obedience

Honestly, I never thought I would write a book. Thinking about diving into the pits of my heart as years of struggle, fear, and doubting God spill onto the page. Yet, even as transparency can be painful, it's the absolute key to liberation. In my book, I will get "raw" with my struggle of eating disorders, suffering, loss, relationships, perception of love, and sexuality. My heart, devotion, and calling has always been for girls ministry. 9 months ago, I finally came to the point of realization that God was nudging my heart to write my first book. In a period of brokenness, I fell as if writing is my personal reminder of God's faithfulness, goodness, and sovereignty. So come along with me. This blog will reveal bits and pieces of my thoughts and my heart as I go through writing the book. The road will be long, emotionally tolling, and even exhausting, but I am asking for accountability to act in obedience to the Lord. You are dearly loved and appreciated!